New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
