I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
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I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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