Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Someone came in the potted fern
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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