I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
