i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
