Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
