I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
