so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
