so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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