Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
