Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
