I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
