We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
