I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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