I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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