btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
