Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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