FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
