My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
