Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
