I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
