im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
