im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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