Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
