It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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