I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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