after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Will exercising make me less horny?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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