oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
