I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
