I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
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Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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