it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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