You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
