I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
