your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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