Whod you bang
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
