I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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