On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my fart just growled at me.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
