I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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