I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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