She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
