if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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