We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
