im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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