I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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