I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
