The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
