I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
40s are totally the cure
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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