you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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