ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
