My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She bit a glass in half.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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