So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
