I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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