Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
