Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
