I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
