I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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