He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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